Mustard Seed

The past few days I've been trying to muster courage, some scrap of positive left in my soul to face the next few weeks. Despite my efforts, I sit here at my desk, surrounded by bar prep materials and I feel utterly defeated. So many times in life I have felt that I couldn't do something that I ultimately went on to accomplish. In those times, I faced the fear, pulled up my boot straps, wiped away my tears and I climbed the mountains God placed before me. While my past was one ripe with strength, everything in me feels that this is a hurdle that is so much larger than myself.

I look back on the past three years and sometimes I feel like I have stumbled to where I am. There are so many doubts in my heart. I doubt my ability to reach people, to help save people's lives and families. Yet, along side all of my doubt there is this peaceful sense of calm because I do know my purpose. I know that I am meant to help children. I ache for children from broken homes, the forgotten children, exploited children, the orphaned children, the children that our systems have tossed aside. It was my longing to help save those lives that led me to law school. Yet here I am, on the brink of the end my preparation for this duty, and I haven't a clue where to go next. I pray every single day for guidance. I beg God for direction, for a sign, for any sort of hint as to where I should go. I just want to know where I will be used at in this life. I have sent a blue million resumes and cover letters. I've made calls, searched online, talked to friends of friends and yet I have no job. That fact is not just a disappointment, it breaks my heart. I feel like all the reasons that got me through the past three years, every dream that I have used to justify the sacrifices I have made, I feel like now those dreams are never going to be my reality.

I'm daily finding that this journey of trying to discover my place in the world is draining so much more from me than I initially realized. Last night, Payton and I had one of our heart talks. These are conversations where we each just send out words from deep in our hearts, with no barriers, no interruptions and no judgment. I sobbed telling him how I felt angry at God, like He sent me into the woods alone. And now that I've finally come out on the other side, He isn't here waiting to tell me where to go. I don't feel entitled to anything because I graduated from law school, but I feel like I've listened to God in his calling for my life and now when I need him most, I feel like He just isn't listening. Payton reassured me by telling me that we were on the last page of this chapter.

I've thought about that all day- I'm on the last page- the last page.

I wish that I could celebrate that fact, take pride and joy in the knowledge that this dark chapter is almost done, but I am mostly consumed with fear. Fear for the unknown, for the uncertainty of where I'll be. I'm afraid I've pursued this dream in vain. I'm trying so hard to not let this fight take my faith or my strength, but I'm honestly not certain who is winning this war.

I keep reminding myself that I don't have to be strong enough to do this, but that my belief that God will bring me through anything needs to be bigger than any doubt that I carry. I know that I believe in what I'm doing and that my faith is ever present, even amidst my doubt. I also know that though it may be as a small as a mustard seed,my faith can move mountains.

So today, though standing on wobbly legs with a head full of fear- I am trying to find my calm in the remembrance that God is with me. That though the path is unclear it will eventually be laid out before me.


"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12