Floating On a Prayer

Here I am. Where that is- I have no clue, but I’m here. I wake up each day and I tell myself I will remain positive, I will remain patient and I will not spiral into a thermo-nuclear breakdown of panic over my life. Typically- that resolution surrenders to my fear- to my frustration and I end up crying over my keyboard, searching job websites aimlessly, all the while, praying to God for direction.

I know I keep coming back to the same topic. I write about this same pursuit- this same feeling of disappointment. I suppose that this is the chapter I am in right now. Everything inside of me wishes I could just flip really fast through this portion of my life and start back up where everything has fallen into place. I yearn for certainty-for happiness, but for now, happiness comes to me in fleeting moments and rarely survives my fear. I wish that I could focus on something else but right now it seems all but impossible to think about anything but the purposelessness I feel.

There are moments when I find myself wishing I had made different choices in my life. Sometimes I wander back in time and travel down the roads that I might have taken. I walk in the shoes of a different woman. Someone I used to know, that I could have known or maybe I’ll never know. I often think of what my life would have been like had I never left home. I think to myself- what if I had stayed? Who would I be? Would I have children? Would I be happy? The answers to these questions elude me with purpose- because I know that there is a reason for all of this madness in my life. I believe in the direction I’ve taken. I know I walk this path because years ago my heart was sat on doing whatever I could to help the children who are never heard. I am so close to achieving that dream. I am almost there. I’m floating on prayers and hope- and I know that I will land just where I’m meant to be.

Lately, I’ve been homesick. I think it’s because for the first time in three years I have time that isn’t crammed full of homework, studying, outlining, reading, researching, writing, memorizing or commuting. When I have time on my hands- my mind always drifts to home and to my mom, to my childhood and my family. Payton and I miss home. There are days when we just spend hours talking about what it is we miss. Often it is something neither of us can explain but that we both understand. To be honest- and this is very cliché, but the first time I met Payton, my best friend Ellen asked me what I thought about him and my exact words were that, “he reminded me of home.” That remains so true. His voice curbs my homesickness because it echoes my own. So much love and character is wrapped up into our twang, qualities that nothing has taken from us, though I must say several Yankees in law school tried their best to humiliate mine out of me.

I remain strong in my convictions and a bit lost in my direction. However, just as even the strongest storms eventually pass, I know that I will walk out of this valley soon enough. I believe that God will place his hand on my shoulder and lead me wherever it is that He wants me to be. I have faith in the things that I know are true, enough to compensate for the all my present uncertainty.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Hebrews 11:1

Mustard Seed

The past few days I've been trying to muster courage, some scrap of positive left in my soul to face the next few weeks. Despite my efforts, I sit here at my desk, surrounded by bar prep materials and I feel utterly defeated. So many times in life I have felt that I couldn't do something that I ultimately went on to accomplish. In those times, I faced the fear, pulled up my boot straps, wiped away my tears and I climbed the mountains God placed before me. While my past was one ripe with strength, everything in me feels that this is a hurdle that is so much larger than myself.

I look back on the past three years and sometimes I feel like I have stumbled to where I am. There are so many doubts in my heart. I doubt my ability to reach people, to help save people's lives and families. Yet, along side all of my doubt there is this peaceful sense of calm because I do know my purpose. I know that I am meant to help children. I ache for children from broken homes, the forgotten children, exploited children, the orphaned children, the children that our systems have tossed aside. It was my longing to help save those lives that led me to law school. Yet here I am, on the brink of the end my preparation for this duty, and I haven't a clue where to go next. I pray every single day for guidance. I beg God for direction, for a sign, for any sort of hint as to where I should go. I just want to know where I will be used at in this life. I have sent a blue million resumes and cover letters. I've made calls, searched online, talked to friends of friends and yet I have no job. That fact is not just a disappointment, it breaks my heart. I feel like all the reasons that got me through the past three years, every dream that I have used to justify the sacrifices I have made, I feel like now those dreams are never going to be my reality.

I'm daily finding that this journey of trying to discover my place in the world is draining so much more from me than I initially realized. Last night, Payton and I had one of our heart talks. These are conversations where we each just send out words from deep in our hearts, with no barriers, no interruptions and no judgment. I sobbed telling him how I felt angry at God, like He sent me into the woods alone. And now that I've finally come out on the other side, He isn't here waiting to tell me where to go. I don't feel entitled to anything because I graduated from law school, but I feel like I've listened to God in his calling for my life and now when I need him most, I feel like He just isn't listening. Payton reassured me by telling me that we were on the last page of this chapter.

I've thought about that all day- I'm on the last page- the last page.

I wish that I could celebrate that fact, take pride and joy in the knowledge that this dark chapter is almost done, but I am mostly consumed with fear. Fear for the unknown, for the uncertainty of where I'll be. I'm afraid I've pursued this dream in vain. I'm trying so hard to not let this fight take my faith or my strength, but I'm honestly not certain who is winning this war.

I keep reminding myself that I don't have to be strong enough to do this, but that my belief that God will bring me through anything needs to be bigger than any doubt that I carry. I know that I believe in what I'm doing and that my faith is ever present, even amidst my doubt. I also know that though it may be as a small as a mustard seed,my faith can move mountains.

So today, though standing on wobbly legs with a head full of fear- I am trying to find my calm in the remembrance that God is with me. That though the path is unclear it will eventually be laid out before me.


"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

Bottle of Dreams

I am lost. I keep praying for some type of sign- some larger than life direction for where I should go and what I should do. People don't understand when I tell them that I feel like this epic failure. They look at my life and wonder how I could feel that way. I have a wonderful husband, a home that I cherish, family who loves me and I just graduated from law school. But days like today I feel as though the word "FAIL" is stamped in red lettering across my forehead. I feel like a lost child wandering around knocking on doors trying to find comfort. I just want answers but most days all I have are questions. To understand why I feel this way I suppose it is necessary to understand why I am where I am.

I grew up poor. I don't mean middle class run-of-the-mill poor, I mean broke. Dead broke. Had nothing poor. From this poverty I developed the need to constantly prove myself and my worth to others. I used to try and think of seemingly impossible dreams and I made those my goals. I cradled those future endeavors and from them garnered enough strength to make it through the day. I used to think of how great my life would be one day and it made the sting of my reality less paralyzing. I put all my faith and heart into these pursuits because they were all I had. I somehow felt that if I could achieve my dreams, if I could make myself into "something," then maybe I'd be good enough...for what? I'm still not sure. I just know that my entire life has been spent overcoming a battle that was long ago over. I still find myself reverting back to the poor girl with ugly clothes. Those memories, the doubt, insecurity and self-consciousness are always with me. No matter where I am, where I live, what I have, or how educated I become, in my heart I'm still just a girl that no one ever really saw.

One of the far fetched dreams that I had was to become an attorney. As far back as fourth grade when people asked me what I wanted to do- I said that I wanted to go to law school. Most often this response was met with the same demeaning sigh. I remember every aspect of the sound. I memorized each inflection and the accompanying facial expression. Those sighs were a "kind" way of telling me that I couldn't be a lawyer, that no one from my family would ever be anything. Over the years, I bottled all those sighs up and later on when I wanted to quit or was tired of pushing myself- I would listen to just one of those sighs and it would give me the motivation to keep going, to keep knocking down walls on my road of becoming someone. I was the first to graduate college in my family- but that achievement did not take away the feeling of inadequacy so I explained away this disappointment by saying that once I graduated from law school I would find the sense of peace I wanted. Here I am- three years later, J.D. in hand and I still feel like the same awkward girl.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied, if I'll ever feel that I have done a good job, that my family is proud, that I have accomplished what I set out to all those years ago. I have my doubts. Today, as I study for my bar exam and I am literally one step away from closing the chapter on this dream and starting to reap its rewards, I feel overwhelmingly lost. Lost because I feel like I still don't know what to do or who to be. Lost because for the first time in my life I have nothing that I am striving for. It's so disconcerting to be without the security blanket of my aspirations. I know that in time new dreams will come and that eventually I will find my place in this big ole world, but for right now- I'm struggling.