I feel like Job. The past three months of my life have been one struggle after another and another. On days like today, I feel as though I am being punished for some unforeseen sin or wrong. I wake up and pray that I'll find the strength to stay positive, that inspiration will come and my days won't be filled with this sense of failure or worthlessness that has become all too familiar, but my prayers go unanswered. I feel like I'm screaming out to God, begging him to see me through this valley, but all I get back is my own echo.
I keep pouring over my memories, all that I think I am- trying to understand why i'm here, what' I've done wrong, who I've hurt. I keep thinking that if I can find some reason that I deserve this that it won't be such a hard pill to swallow, but despite these efforts, I keep coming up empty handed.
I sincerely believe that I have worked my entire life. I have done everything I set out to do 110%. I give my all to everything and it's no longer enough. I would never have thought being unable to find a job would be this frustrating, or would cause me so much emotional hurt, but the toll it is taking on me is beyond measure. I keep thinking of the years of work, of the thousands of dollars of debt that I have spent on my education and I get so angry. I want to scream at someone at how unfair all of this is, but no one cares, no one will listen. I think the universe is tired of hearing me say the same thing, but I guarantee not nearly as tired as I am of saying it.
I've applied to probably fifty positions since May. I've had one interview. One. I think about that math and I get lost in how unbalanced it is. I have taken a fine tooth comb to my resume, cover letters- trying to find out what glaring mistake, what huge deficit I have in my life that puts me into the not chosen pile. And I'm just at a loss. I have no idea why no employer finds me qualified enough to work for their company/organization/department. I feel like the kid on the playground that didn't just not get picked first, but never got picked at all. Like the teams have been formed and there was just no room for me on either side. So I'm standing here- just waiting and watching other people have success.
Anyone who has gone to law school knows how hard it is, it's harder than most any other professional programs that I have seen or experienced. It sounds so pompous and cliched- but if you haven't done it, you cannot understand it. It is a grueling three years of hell that tests every part of a persons mind/body/life. I survived it. I thought that was such a huge accomplishment, but reality has totally drained me of any since of achievement I may have had. What good is a degree if I'm still unemployed???
To make all this worse- I failed the MBE section of the bar exam by 3 points- that's roughly one question. One question. The summation of three years of my life, thousands of dollars and I couldn't even get one more question right to be finished with this whole damn thing. No- that's me, always short of what is needed. Always just stumbling through. So now- not only am I umemployed, but the past three years have been a complete and total waste of time until February when I can resit for the exam and hopefully pass. While everyone I know gets sworn in on Friday before the Supreme Court, where will I be? I'll be here- aimlessly wandering the internet trying to find someone who will put me on their payroll. Days like today- I wish I had stayed home. Why did I bother with all of this anyways?
I hear those voices from the past- my childhood noise- telling me I wouldn't be anything- that I should just go to community college because it was more "financially practical" for my family- I hear them all, and I'm starting to wonder- were they right? Did I dream too big? With each rejection letter, every day that passes with no phone calls, no news- a little more doubt creeps in. I am beginning to wonder if these days will ever pass. I want my life back. I want to find my place. I'm so tired of being here in this valley of waiting.
