Here I am. Where that is- I have no clue, but I’m here. I wake up each day and I tell myself I will remain positive, I will remain patient and I will not spiral into a thermo-nuclear breakdown of panic over my life. Typically- that resolution surrenders to my fear- to my frustration and I end up crying over my keyboard, searching job websites aimlessly, all the while, praying to God for direction.
I know I keep coming back to the same topic. I write about this same pursuit- this same feeling of disappointment. I suppose that this is the chapter I am in right now. Everything inside of me wishes I could just flip really fast through this portion of my life and start back up where everything has fallen into place. I yearn for certainty-for happiness, but for now, happiness comes to me in fleeting moments and rarely survives my fear. I wish that I could focus on something else but right now it seems all but impossible to think about anything but the purposelessness I feel.
There are moments when I find myself wishing I had made different choices in my life. Sometimes I wander back in time and travel down the roads that I might have taken. I walk in the shoes of a different woman. Someone I used to know, that I could have known or maybe I’ll never know. I often think of what my life would have been like had I never left home. I think to myself- what if I had stayed? Who would I be? Would I have children? Would I be happy? The answers to these questions elude me with purpose- because I know that there is a reason for all of this madness in my life. I believe in the direction I’ve taken. I know I walk this path because years ago my heart was sat on doing whatever I could to help the children who are never heard. I am so close to achieving that dream. I am almost there. I’m floating on prayers and hope- and I know that I will land just where I’m meant to be.
Lately, I’ve been homesick. I think it’s because for the first time in three years I have time that isn’t crammed full of homework, studying, outlining, reading, researching, writing, memorizing or commuting. When I have time on my hands- my mind always drifts to home and to my mom, to my childhood and my family. Payton and I miss home. There are days when we just spend hours talking about what it is we miss. Often it is something neither of us can explain but that we both understand. To be honest- and this is very cliché, but the first time I met Payton, my best friend Ellen asked me what I thought about him and my exact words were that, “he reminded me of home.” That remains so true. His voice curbs my homesickness because it echoes my own. So much love and character is wrapped up into our twang, qualities that nothing has taken from us, though I must say several Yankees in law school tried their best to humiliate mine out of me.
I remain strong in my convictions and a bit lost in my direction. However, just as even the strongest storms eventually pass, I know that I will walk out of this valley soon enough. I believe that God will place his hand on my shoulder and lead me wherever it is that He wants me to be. I have faith in the things that I know are true, enough to compensate for the all my present uncertainty.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Hebrews 11:1
